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Will Someone Change iTunes to iTelevision?

May 26, 2006

Forget listening to your fave newsy podcast, NBC News is joining the downloadable fray. Well, “news” should be in quotation marks because for timely headlines you’ll have to check with MSNBC, CNBC, and their related websites.

But for almost-news — such as a narrated visit to hurricane-ravaged New Orleans or Tom Brokaw extolling about his Favorite, er, “Greatest Generation” — then log onto Apple’s iTunes. For two bucks you can listen to the anchors mellow voices or something a little catchier such as “Tattoos: Skin Deep.” Question: How do you listen to a tattoo?

The most intriguing offering — of vital interest to at least four or five people under the age of 50 — is “a tour of the White House offered by first lady Jacqueline Kennedy.” Now that is the kind of entertainment iTunes was made for!

Charlie Rose Recuperating, “Reading and Dining Out”

We knew Mr. Rose had a heart attack — thus the repeats and guest hosts on his brilliant-but-static "The Charlie Rose Show.” We didn’t quite realize the international-ness or the severity of his cardiac ailment.

Rose is now sharing the genesis of his illness. In late March, while traveling in Syria, he “developed heart trouble that required surgery in Paris and a month-long hospital stay.” The 64-year-old said his doctors in the U.S. were aware of a weakness in his heart, but didn’t expect trouble so soon. “It deteriorated faster than we thought,” Rose says. He felt the trauma as soon as his plane departed Damascus for Paris.

Next up for the solemn talk show host? Doctors have ordered him to stay home in Henderson, North Carolina — and to “read, walk, visit friends and dine out.” Hmm…sounds just like our life at the Brilliant But Cancelled offices.

George Washington Weeps

May 25, 2006

Sources close to dead presidents report that he wept in his grave last night when Ryan Seacrest — the happy host of “American Idol” — announced that more than 63 million votes were cast during the final competition.

“That’s more than any president in the history of our country has received,” he said with a straight face.

It’s unclear if instead holding debates, the 2008 presidential election will feature a reality show segment so Americans may be inspired to leave the couch and head to the polls.

Dolls Deflate “Lost” Cliffhanger

The “Gilligan’s Island”-on-crack ABC success story went out with a bang—literally—last night. And by the time the credits rolled, Locke and Eko were M.I.A. and likely dead. Or they were at least deaf from that sonic boom. (Loved the super-cheesy-special effect of whiting out the screen.)

Well, fans don’t have to wait until the fall for more “Lost.” ABC Television Group’s Touchstone Television (is that name long enough?) and McFarlane Toys are launching six-inch dolls of Jack, Kate, Hurley, Charlie and Shannon.

We gotta ask: Why are only the All-American-looking white characters becoming toys? No Jin? No Michael? Heck, no Walt? What’s he done to deserve such a diss?

Stop The Presses! Kids on “O.C.” Are Geniuses

The Associated Press (AP) has issued a “correction” to its report about “The O.C.” finale that aired May 18. Because most news services (except Brilliant But Cancelled) don’t read AP stories before republishing them, erroneous information about the hit show has been disseminating all around the world causing major misunderstandings.

The original report said that the same college accepted two characters. But — hold-your-sunscreen — it’s not true. Summer (played by Rachel Bilson, left) was accepted by Brown, and Seth will be attending the Rhode Island School of Design.

Both schools are located in Providence, Rhode Island, which is really—let’s face it—a very small state. So we forgive the reporter for thinking it might not have more than one university.

Grammy Grumps Rescheduling Departure of Sinking Ship

Producers of this year’s lowest-ratings-ever Grammy telecast are moving the show back to Sunday night. This year’s flop was broadcast on a Wednesday and annihilated by “American Idol.”

But wait — last year the awards show was destroyed (in the ratings, at least) by the dames on “Desperate Housewives.”

Who are we to offer an opinion…but: Wouldn’t it be smart to recognize the annual snoozefest needs a (total) redesign? Last year Burt Bacharach and Stevie Wonder (among many others) won awards. Not that there’s anything wrong with them, but if you’re looking to draw a crowd, featuring artists under the age of 65 would be a good place to start.

Keep Your Money! We Want Sci-Fi Action with Julianne Moore

May 24, 2006

Just as the quest for the next reality show hit continues — so does the search for a prize worth winning. (Remember when winning an Aztek on “Survivor” was cool?)

“Looking for Stars,” premiering on Starz premium June 19, is giving its winner a role in Next, a movie starring Nicolas Cage, Julianne Moore, and Jessica Biel to be released in 2007.

Thousands auditioned, but only eight will compete in the talent competition. Also breaking new ground is the show’s format. Execs are calling is a micro-series because it comprises 14 episodes — each only 10 minutes long.

It Takes Only a Few Seconds to Piss Someone Off

Penn & Teller followed a family member into the “Family Room” located in an office building near ground zero. A sign on the door says “no press”—so being magicians, mimes, and all-purpose entertainers, P&T thought all was well. Nope. Shots from inside the hallowed room aired on May 1 and the families are pissed off.

“That’s a very sacred place to the families…especially the families who lost loved ones who were never identified,” said Jack Lynch, whose son was killed.

Glenn Alai, spokesmen for the comics expressed sympathy and dismay. The footage in question, he explained, amounted to only a few seconds of a 30-minute piece that was entirely sympathetic to the families.

Sneaker Titan Snags Voice of “Desperate Housewife”

First up, “Coraline”, starring the voice of desperado esposa Teri Hatcher as — surprise! — a psycho mom. Not that we can blame her. Coraline’s daughter is played by creepy-fab “tween” Dakota Fanning.

From Dead to Jail in 30 Days

May 23, 2006

MI:3 director and “Lost” creator J.J. Abrams killed her. Then she chose to spend five days in jail (instead of weeks of community service). And now Michelle Rodriguez is going back to the slammer for 60 days.

Two months under lock and key is the price “Ana Lucia” will now pay for violating parole back in December when she and “Libby” both got busted for drunk driving. Her three-year parole was started back in 2004 when she pleaded no contest to charges of hit-and-run, driving on a suspended license, and driving under the influence of alcohol. (Whew!)

So, Rodriguez, before her 30th birthday, has now had two run-ins with the law that have resulted in three sentences. Lady needs an intervention! Jack, where are you? Hurley, can’t you sit on her until she stops drinking? And Locke, don’t you have superpowers to cure folks of their addictions?

Come on “Lost” teammates: get your girlfriend some help!

Promotion for Charlie Gibson = Bad News?

We like Charles Gibson. He’s a pro — and he knows how not to look like a dork doing cheesy morning TV segments about fondue. But the announcement that he’s being named anchor of "ABC World News Tonight" leaves us a feeling rather melancholy.

If we’re reading correctly between the lines — “Elizabeth Vargas is going on maternity leave and returning to co-anchor ‘20/20,’ and Bob Woodruff “looks forward to contributing to (Gibson’s) broadcast as soon as I am able” — this confirms that rising star Woodruff is not coming back to work anytime soon following his accident in Iraq.

Another question: What does Vargas’s transfer mean for women anchors? She couldn’t attract a crowd? They’re mad that she went on maternity leave? And, how does CBS expect to break the only-men-can-anchor stereotype with Katie Couric?

You’re Settled!

Judicial experts say you can’t read any guilt or innocence into a settlement. But, you can wonder (and discuss) all you want.

Word is that Mark Burnett, Donald Trump, and NBC have paid Mark Bethea and Velocity Entertainment Group an “undisclosed sum” to end a lawsuit over who invented “The Apprentice.”

Bethea claims he pitched the idea to Burnett (“Apprentice,” “Survivor,” etc.) and his partner, Conrad Riggs, back in 2001 and they later lifted “substantial and integral material” from the proposal. Their pitch was for a show called “C.E.O.” that would have been hosted by Trump and set in a corporate office environment. Hmm.

More shocking. Who’d-a-thunk that that anyone — anywhere, ever! — would fight over a TV show in a “corporate office environment.”

Surprise, Surprise... Audiences Don't Like Repeats

May 22, 2006

“24” will become a “limited-run” series next year, which means the entire season will unfold from start to finish with no breaks or repeats. “ER” is getting the non-repeat treatment, too -- a different show will run in its timeslot between months of all original episodes.

And -- thank the Dharma Initiative! -- “Lost” is also on the anti-repeat path. After a season filled with aggravating repeats, plus a crappy “new” recap show, the producers are promising to run only original episodes next season.

“We really listened to the fans,” explains Steve McPherson, ABC entertainment president. It’s about time!

One Wedding and a Funeral

Or, a memorial service with a bride and groom. A pall hung over Duane “Dog the Bounty Hunter” Chapman’s marriage to longtime partner Beth Smith on Saturday.

What was supposed to be a ceremony heralding the end of Dog and Beth’s 16 years of unwedded-ness became a “celebration of his daughter’s life.” Barbara Katy Chapman, 23, was killed in a car accident near her home of Fairbanks, Alaska on Friday, May 19.

The wedding in Hawaii is scheduled to be part of an August 8 episode, but we’re going to give the Dog and his mate the benefit of the doubt about the show airing. A&E, the network that airs his show, said: ''They all decided unanimously that they should celebrate the wedding and her life.”

The honeymoon in Fiji is postponed so they can mourn their daughter’s passing.

Conan “Really Likes Television” -- So He’ll Host Emmy Awards

The late-night redhead will be hosting this year’s Emmy Awards show, set for August 27. It won’t be O’Brien’s first trip to podium; he hosted the award-giving-gig in 2002.

Emmy co-producer Ken Ehrlich called O’Brien “a student of television. He’s funny and he really likes television. That bodes well for what we can do this year.”

Funny is good. And we can’t say we disagree that “liking television” is very important when choosing an Emmy host. Congratulations to Conan — and the geniuses who picked him.