May 21 - May 27 »

Bounty Hunter Ties Knot with Ball & Chain

May 19, 2006

Duane “Dog” Chapman, star of A&E’s reality hit “Dog the Bounty Hunter,” will marry longtime sidekick Beth Smith—his partner and mother of his two kids—after 16 years together.

“She’s Italian and tough,” Chapman barked, trying to explain the lag-time. “I’ve already been cuffed and shackled by Beth anyway.”

The mullet-headed “canine” hasn’t been tamed, he says. Chapman is wearing white jeans and white leather vest, boots, and American Indian jewelry representing his heritage. Beth is wearing lace.

True love or a ratings ploy? Excerpts will air on A&E, August 14.

Mischa Barton is Dead

No, she did not starve herself. And no, paparazzi did not run her off the road. It was only her character, Marissa, who was run down by an SUV and left to die in the season finale of "The O.C."

Barton, age 20, is happy about dying because it will give her time to promote an upcoming film. Guilty Pleasures—no, we did not make up that name—opens in 2007. The flick is about a bunch of Italians living through the plague. Yes, it’s a period piece. And the plague isn’t an attack of Hollywood nymphs, but bubonic plague.

“Gay American” is Oprah Book Club Adjacent

Just in time for the release of his tell-all tome, ex-Governor of New Jersey, James E. McGreevey will appear on Oprah’s chatfest this fall.

He’ll talk about his double life as a straight-husband and gay-philanderer—with a sexy Israeli, no less, and a charming smile. Expect tears and apologies for hurting his family. Do not wait for comment on the patronage scandal that actually forced his resignation.

But that’s cool, because before McGreevey high-tailed it out of the governor’s mansion he called himself—and coined the term—“gay American.” Suddenly he was not a liar, but a homo-hero. Luckily, he’s a handsome guy, so we’ll wait until we see him on TV before making a final decision.

SpongeBob SquarePants Soaks up the Ratings

May 18, 2006

Until we totally screw the Nielsen folks with our Tivo-ing and downloading and Utube-viewing: old-fashioned ratings are still reported. The good news is that they are--in their own boring way--rather fascinating.

Last week SpongeBob continued to hold his square-ish pants up against the powerhouse "Sopranos" and "World Wresting Raw"(!). Really. The queer yellow thing and his starfish “best friend” came in 3rd, 9th, and 10th place with an average of 4 million viewers each time.

Four million people is equal to the population of Alaska, Delaware, Montana, North Dakota, Vermont, and Wyoming combined.

American Idol Shocker: Paula Abdul Cries

Another Wednesday night on Fox and another singer-with-a-heart-of-gold gets a proverbial boot in the behind. Last night, it was Elliot Yamin’s turn. The funky white-boy with the Ben Affleck-goatee was voted off.

The announcement brought out the best in Paula. She wept considerably.

So we’re starting to wonder if crying is in her contract. After all, whether genuine or not, her weekly emotional exhibitionism does balance out the I’m-so-bored-of-this-crap scowl on Simon Cowell.

Sandra Bernhard—Performance Artist and Perpetual “Guest Star” Turns 50

Weighing in at approximately 12 pounds—three of which are in her beautiful lips—the 5 foot, 10 inch beauty is turning 50 today. Not that fans flocking to her latest theatrical endeavor would ever guess it. The dame changes costumes on stage… strips down to a little bra and even smaller panties to reveal a svelte figure that could rival any bulimic Hollywood starlet.

Fans of Madonna’s ex-pal and one of the first celebs to embrace Kabbalah (Bless her!), Ms. Bernhard is returning to the small screen very soon.

Sandra is trading in her status as everyone’s favorite guest star—she’s been on "Roseanne," "Will & Grace," "The L Word," "Ally McBeal," and "Crossing Jordan," to name just a few—to become host of her own variety show. Think Carol Burnett on wheat grass. The show is slated for Lego, we mean Logo, the gay cable network, which means it only has sex with other gay cable networks.

Where Do Disease-of-the-Week Flicks Go to Die?

May 17, 2006

Say it ain’t so, Les Moonves. Sunday night at grandma’s house just won’t be the same since the CBS biggie announced he’s axing the Sunday Night Movie.

After 20 consecutive years of movies about sick women, dying children--or dying women with sick children -- the institution is being replaced by “The Amazing Race,” a show we like, but….

More importantly: What will Victoria Principal do? Or Meredith Baxter Birney? And what about our favorite -- the Hallmark Hall of Fame? Oh, the tragedy.

Donald Hates the Ocean

What’s a little natural wonder if it comes between a tycoon and his $250 million golf course? Master of “The Apprentice” is upset because the So. Cal. town of Rancho Palos Verdes won’t let him change the name of the street leading to his newest park. The street is named “Ocean Trails Drive.” He wants: “Trump National Drive.”

Locals are not happy with His Highness’s blond bluster. “Ocean Trails is an actual spot,” says Rancho resident Marcos Dela Cruz. “We were hiking there the other day. The name Ocean Trails says it all.”

Ever on guard, Trump is dubious of crunchy California tree huggers. “I’m very hard to extort,” says Trump, “…if that’s what they’re trying to do.”

Don Knotts is Hard… As a Rock

Two fans of “The Andy Griffith Show” have convinced the powers-that-be to allow them to erect a larger-than-life bronze of Barney Fife. The location of the tribute is Mount Airy, North Carolina-the town that “inspired” Mayberry.

After Knotts passed in February, “we felt something needed to be done about honoring him,” says Superfan #1 Neal Shelton. Superfan #2 Tom Hellebrand, his partner-in-bronzing, agrees: “Mayberry without Barney Fife just wouldn’t be the same. So I’m very excited.”

They need $35,000 and so to raise cash, they’re raffling off a restored car along with a golf cart built to look like a squad car. Any money raised beyond what’s needed will go to charity. www.donknottsstatue.com

ABC Stuns Audiences by Going... Original

May 16, 2006

Hidden deep in the news about ABC’s fall line-up—more “Grey’s Anatomy,” less “Primetime Live”—is a humdinger of a sentence.

“‘Lost’ will return next winter and run all original episodes.”

Holy Island Adventures, Batman! For a show that has teased us for two years by running a repeat almost every other week episode, this is hatch-blasting news.

But why not ‘til winter? After next week’s season finale, we’ll have to wait for... eight months!

Fat Naked Guy to Wear Stripes

Poor Richard Hatch. The man single-handedly created reality show villains. Omarosa on "The Apprentice" was nothing compared to Ol’ Rich. He is the one man—after producer Mark Burnett—responsible for "Survivor" surviving so long.

And what does he get for being a conniving genius? Prison. The judge in his tax-evasion case could have sentenced him to 33 months, but says he didn’t believe Mr. Hatch on the witness stand. (Who does!? But that’s why he’s so awesome.)

Bottom line: the gay, fat, nudist conniver is heading to the big house for 51 months! That’s more than 4 years. We’ll have a new president before we see Mr. Hatch nekkid again. Damn.

HBO Can Ruin Your Life, U.S. Army Says

No s&#*! "The Sopranos," "Sex and The City," Larry David… hell, even "Arli$$" snookered us into spending hours in front of the television. Now the United States Army thinks one little stand-alone documentary can hurt us?

The guys in green issued a “warning” that watching the movie “Baghdad ER” may trigger mental health problems because it’s so violent… so real.

Come on, Rummy old buddy old pal. We know how Japanese cartoons can turn kids epileptic, but these are real life soldiers we’re talking about. They’ve already fought in a real war, blown stuff up, seen dead people. Do you really think they can’t handle a film about a military hospital?

If you’re so concerned, we suggest you send a few old episodes of "M.A.S.H." over to the front lines and get our valiant men and women in uniform prepared for the bloody mess.

Burn, Baby Burn: Housewives Are Voted Hot, Hotter and Hottest

May 15, 2006

Eva Longoria is shocked, “Shocked!” to be voted #1 most beautiful woman in the universe by Maxim magazine — and for the second year in a row. “I just can’t believe it,'' she exclaimed. ''Surely there are more beautiful women in the world. I can name 10.'' The lad mag said all 100 gals on the list have several things in common including “a tremendous amount of buzz surrounding them, undeniable beauty and a promise of greater things to come.''

The other desperate homegirls shouldn’t be too upset. Two others made the “Hot List” — Nicollette Sheridan is 48 and Teri Hatcher ranks 73.

He’s a Survivor

Yoga instructor Aras Baskauskas is the latest "Survivor" winner. Last night’s live finale for "Panama: Exile Island" on CBS saw him beat Danielle DiLorenzo from the top two vote. The question of the day: How did Danielle get that far? Host Jeff Probst has gone on record calling her, “One of the weakest people who have ever played the game.” And what does the million bucks mean for Aras? That he can now move out of his Dad’s house. We hope.